Why do people feel helpless

Regardless of the intensity or length of the traumatic situation, feeling helpless to change the way someone treats themselves or how they treat you is always painful. What do you do when someone you care about is treating themselves poorly—drinking too much, taking drugs, putting themselves in harmful situations, eating badly, acting out with irrational behavior, putting themselves down, or isolating themselves?

To avoid feeling helpless about how this person treats themselves, do you try to control them by doing any of the following? What generally happens when you try to control the other person? Do they get angry? Do they resist and withdraw? Or do they change their behavior as a result? What do you do when someone treats you badly—judging you, threatening you, being mean, lying, and so on?

Hopefully, if someone is physically abusing you or severely emotionally abusing you, you will find a way to leave the relationship, taking yourself out of range of the abuse.

You might turn to controlling behaviors when you are unwilling or unable to feel the reality of the situation—that you are helpless to change the other person's choices. This just perpetuates an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Here is a powerful process for loving yourself when you feel helpless over another person rather than abandoning yourself and reacting with controlling behavior.

One of the most important aspects of lovingly managing helplessness is to name the feeling. Too often, because this is such a hard feeling to tolerate, you might go right to anger, frustration, or irritation, or you might shut down rather than face the reality of your powerlessness over a situation. Put your hands on your sternum, breathing into your heart and opening yourself to love and compassion—as you accept the reality of the painful feeling of helplessness over others.

Let your inner child—your feeling self—know that you understand that he or she is feeling the deep pain of helplessness, that you are right here with him or her, and that you are not going to leave him or her alone with the pain.

You are going to love yourself through it rather than continue to abandon yourself. Stay lovingly and compassionately fully present with the feeling of helplessness until you feel it release.

You may feel the need to cry or rock—this is natural and perfectly OK. Open up to learning any information you need about the situation causing your sense of helplessness and about what action you can take that is loving to yourself. Check in with yourself and your feelings after having done this.

Hopefully, you'll feel a sense of relief. Paradoxically, accepting your helplessness over another person empowers you to take loving action on your own behalf.

Practice being more vulnerable and allow yourself to be wrong. Find a way to humble yourself this week. Small bad habits can be a major barrier to our success and happiness. What habits do you circle back to even though you know they are causing you more harm than good? For me this is alcohol. Remember to pay attention to your daily actions and incorporate healthy habits to replace the unhealthy ones. We can learn to have positive interactions with others even when we disagree. Burning bridges only leads us to be isolated from others and prevents us from making the valuable connections that will serve our growth and progress.

Let go of the expectation that others own you something, and always focus on treating others how you want to be treated. When we are focused on serving others instead of taking from others we are less likely to burn bridges. We all have an opportunity to learn from mistakes. This is how we develop wisdom. As long as we learn something from our mistakes we can use failure as opportunities to grow.

Be willing to learn from your past and recognize you will make more mistakes. Keep moving forward in the face of obstacles.

Acceptance of our weakness, uncertainties, and mistakes is the first step to moving forward, and it a catalyst to move past almost all of these other obstacles.

When you are experiencing a difficult or negative emotion like helplessness, it can sometimes be helpful to look at some of the reasons you might be resisting feeling empowered.

Not feeling helpless might mean that you are ready to make a big change in your life. But, on the other hand, overcoming those negative feelings might compel you to take on challenges that can also be difficult, challenging, or even overwhelming. The important thing to remember is that changing your mindset can be hard, and it presents its own unique set of challenges.

But it also opens up a new world of opportunity and rewards that are worth pursuing. When you spend too much time ruminating over the things you cannot change, you are more likely to magnify feelings of helplessness. Focusing on those unchangeable things only leaves you feeling more defeated. Giving attention to the things that you can control, however, can help you feel more capable.

It provides a greater sense of agency and can give you the motivation and energy to work toward making a change. Learning how to recognize them is the first step toward changing them, however. Once you recognize those helpless thoughts and feelings, it is time to start actively challenging and replacing them with more accurate, empowering ones. This might involve looking for evidence that points to the opposite. For example, if you feel helpless about trying to achieve a specific goal, think about times that you have accomplished something you set your mind to.

Look for evidence that disputes your helpless feelings. Think about situations that demonstrate your personal agency. If you feel helpless, it can be beneficial to recognize your own unique talents, strengths, and abilities. Emphasizing these capabilities is a great way to gain more empowerment and motivation to tackle challenges you might be facing in different areas of your life.

Consider making a list of the things you are good at, and then think about how you might use those skills to tackle a problem. Rather than ruminate on your weaknesses, focus your time on appreciating and honing your strengths.

While it might seem counterproductive, acknowledging the things outside of your control may actually improve your ability to accept them. Feeling like you have to control everything can actually make you feel more helpless and even hopeless when you find yourself overwhelmed by the reality of the situation.

Research suggests that when people mistakenly believe they can control the future, they actually end up feeling even more distressed. Focusing on the present, on the things you can control in the here-and-now, can be more effective. Working on controlling things in the present may help people feel less distressed and more satisfied with life. Mindfulness , a process that involves becoming more aware of the present without lingering on the past or worrying about the future, may reduce feelings of helplessness.